I dreamed of you

 I had a dream about you recently - twice.

In the first dream, you were with me in a foreign place. It felt like we're travelling together. 

But where, I couldn't figure it out.

We were walking for a long time. I had no idea where we're going.

My friend suddenly came out from no where, and I started talking to her.

"Let's catch up for a drink. It's been such as long time," she said.

I was reluctant, as I had to take care of you. 

In another second, I was already sitting upstairs with my friend, chatting.

And it dawned on me - where were you? 

I left my friend without saying goodbye. I dashed out to the street.

I ran everywhere frantically. I felt like I had lost you. 

I was scared you'd be lost because you were sick. 

I was afraid I couldn't find you.

Then, I saw someone sitting on the sidewalk, wearing a long jacket.

I ran up. It was you. 

You're eating a hotdog. 

"Why are you eating a hotdog outside? It was so cold," I heard my voice, speaking softly.

Your gaze was far; you didn't see me.

In the second dream, we were walking together on the street.

Suddenly it was flooding everywhere, but it wasn't raining.

Our shoes were soaked in deep water. I started to panick.

"I must get you out of here quickly or you would drown."

Then I woke up.

Why these dreams?

Why now?

Why did I dream of you? 

You already passed away more than a decade ago. 

Quick Drink in Shinjuku

"In an ideal world, what do you want to do?"

You asked me the night when we met for a 'quick' drink - which turned out to be a pretty long drink of three hours plus, at a bar I like in Shinjuku.

I was pondering your question.

I looked at the clock facing us - my favorite clock that turned red, green, yellow like a rainbow cake that night - "Travel with you."

That's what I wanted to do.

I looked up and said: "Go travelling  for a long time."

That's true, too.

We talked about where I would like to go, and for how long.

When I was younger, I had this dream of what I'd like to do in future. Somehow, I always thought I had to wait until I'm a certain age. Why? I don't know. 

Now, I've grown up, and old enough to make choices in my life. The question stays. Why?

In my previous world, planning is mandatory. I liked to know ahead of time what to do, where to go, and how I lived. I felt comfortable when things were certain.

But as my life has turned to be nothing but certain. I dropped the whole concept of planning, just like that. No matter how much I wish life to be more or less the same, it's just not that.

A monk once told me: When you miss someone, tell them now. You never know when you'll have the chance again. We only have now.

I looked at the beautiful dark sky above us, drinking some delicious Highballs with you, feeling the softness of the birthday gift you gave me, watching you speak with your childish smile. A thought appeared in my mind: Life is enough.

We can't ask for too much, when we have now.

Be Free

Someone once suggested everyone should write 750 words a day. Why 750? Why not 700 or 800? I have no idea. But if someone says so, there’s got to be a reason. Then why not? So here we go.

My mind is rather unsettled recently. I kept waking up at 4am and I had nothing on my mind. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s the time of the year when I am programmed to look at my life – well, previous life – and also my life ahead. Perhaps I’ve met some new people who make me start to think about things and life again. Perhaps, perhaps and perhaps.

During this year, many days went by without notice. Ordinary days. Except when one day I was tired of my scenery and I just went away walking, seeing, feeling, listening, talking, thinking. I believe, sometimes, we need to move away from our ordinary life, from the city we live in, from the people we see every day, from the thoughts in our very own mind. 

In the forest, waterfalls, and fields in a familiar country, a country that I love and keep going back to, every thought turns a different direction, as if I am a new person. That’s what travelling does to our mind, to me. In the trip, there were times when I wanted to walk on a path that will never end. Like someone who just disappears in her journey and who tells others that she will be back when but doesn’t come back when. That is the story I want of my life.

Travelling. Why can’t I do it? Why is that I start to fear about things. All the things I’ve been teaching myself to believe in, and also teaching others to believe in, doesn’t relate somehow. Suddenly, I re-examine the meaning of freedom, and I realize how ‘not free’ I actually am.

I’m not free from this materialistic world - from the comfortable home I live in, the bed I sleep in. I am not free people and relationships I’m surrounded with. I am not free from the questions and expectations I have in my own head. I am not free from wanting - different things, trivial things. 

The fact is, there is no time like now that I should feel free. 

Of all the phases in my life, when I was attached to someone, when I was working at my dreamed jobs, when I was concerned of how others might look at me, and how I might look at me. 

The first time in my life I actually don’t think of too much of expectations from others, when I know nothing, I mean nothing, really matters. 

So why am I still not free?

This year, I also have one job offer - actually two. Things are going well, for a change, finally. I am confident at what I do. I am contributing in areas I want to. I got invited to do interesting jobs. I have nothing to complain. But I want to give it all up again, to walk away from everything, to be free.

In a parallel universe, I must be living a different life. 

In that universe, I will wake up early and find myself in a foreign land, full of foreign faces.

There, I will be travelling and disappearing from one place to another. 

There is no need to constantly find a job, hurry to save money, thinking about meeting someone special or doing anything meaningful. The only thing that's left to do is nothing. And just be.

"What if my whole life has been wrong? -- Wayne Dyer.

What is the point?

Hiking in Izu Peninsula 2019

I went walking for a week far away and I came back with hundreds of thoughts in my head. 

Never-ending, vivid and loud thoughts. 

Every night I dreamed of scenes that happened.

Of paths I walked.

The things I said - and haven't said. 

And things you said.

The sharing of our fragmented stories. Feelings. Beliefs. Doubts. Dreams.

Somebody once wrote: 

"Deep in the mingling of thoughts and words, we're in a place where good things usually happen."

I believe that's true.

But deep in my random thoughts, I also feel rather unsettled.

It seems like my life is never settled. But what is the meaning of being "settled"?

A permanent job?

A family?

A house?

If so, why is it that some people have all the above and yet are far from feeling "settled"?

Do we live to become settled?

My thoughts continue to build in my head.

Sometimes, we have to be so patient in the presence of our own thoughts.

I read this on a  New York Times column at the hotel in Tokyo.

The only thing I know is:

the conversations we have

the silence we share

with the nature

reopen a door filled with

meaning and purpose,

happiness and desire,

and possibilities.

And this is exactly the point.

Our Face

Recently, I have come across a research study that talks about the relationship between saving face and promoting a green lifestyle. When we post a photo of us eating like a vegetarian for the day, are we promoting a green lifestyle or are we wanting people to think we're a responsible, good person?

In this explosive era of social media, how much of the things we do and share is for our face?

In the study, the researcher asks participants to rate these questions:

"I care about praise and criticism from others."
"I care about others' attitudes toward me."
"I hate being taken lightly."
"I will be very upset if I am criticized in public."

Honestly, I would have said yes to all of the above, wouldn't you?

We all care about how others see use. Part of our perception of ourselves has got to be developed through the eyes of others - whether it's our parent, siblings, teacher, boss, partner, friend, even our enemy.

Will caring too much about others change our behaviour and make us unauthentic?
Will it make us nervous and timid?
Will it disturb our peace of mind and make us restless?

I say yes to all above too.

But it will also keep our behaviour in check, make us humble
because we know we are not perfect.

When I was younger, I used to think I could be so care-less of what others think of me. That thought alone made me feel so liberating.

Now I am older, I know that is wishful thinking.
Because we all care, one way or the other.
We just manage to change the questions:

How much should we care?
Who should we care about?
How can I stop caring too much?

What do you care about?

Surprises in 2016

It seems that 2016 has come and gone so quickly. I didn't have time to think or react; I just lived.

A few surprises came by this year:

1. I began a new job which was not in my original plan.

2. I went back to a familiar work environment.

3. I found a flat which I like with a decent landlord (for the first time).

4. I was offered to run a freelance workshop through a professional and friend's referral. And I really enjoyed it.

5. I tried a new dimension in freelance and I was well accepted!

6. I was rated as the top trainer by a group of young children. (How very cute!)

7. I let some people out of my life. (And it's refreshing.)

8. I got in touch with my mentor and was reminded of why I wanted to write.

9. I fell out with a good friend (and I'm fine with it).

10. I changed my hair colour.

And...

11. I started a brand new bold plan for - 2018.

Don't think. Just Love

You told me about what has been bothering you.

I listened to you; I saw you cry.

I had nothing to say; I didn't know what to say.

Other than my understanding, I couldn't help at all.

I felt helpless, and sad, for you and for me.

We are all living in our own world. Stuck.

Our relationships are all but flawed.

Every morning, we wake up, open our eyes.

We walk, eat, work, talk, be quiet, think, stop thinking.

And we suffocate.

In our limited world, unsettled business, stories twisted by others, by ourselves.

There are many different versions of the same story, told by every person who's been around.

What is true and what is not true? Sometimes I wonder.

Is there a true version ever? Always I wonder.

My head would spin like wind whenever I am back.

So many stories, mostly sad.

So many secret thoughts, mostly unheard.

Broken communications. Misunderstood words. Unfulfilled love.

We are all but lost souls.

What do I know, after all?

What can I offer with my ignorance?

The only thing I know is:

The best moment in life

Is often spent with the person we love.

So, find the person you love to spend your time with.

Even that means just yourself.

Don't wait. Walk away from hatred.

Don't wait. Find love when you can.