Be Free

Someone once suggested everyone should write 750 words a day. Why 750? Why not 700 or 800? I have no idea. But if someone says so, there’s got to be a reason. Then why not? So here we go.

My mind is rather unsettled recently. I kept waking up at 4am and I had nothing on my mind. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps it’s the time of the year when I am programmed to look at my life – well, previous life – and also my life ahead. Perhaps I’ve met some new people who make me start to think about things and life again. Perhaps, perhaps and perhaps.

During this year, many days went by without notice. Ordinary days. Except when one day I was tired of my scenery and I just went away walking, seeing, feeling, listening, talking, thinking. I believe, sometimes, we need to move away from our ordinary life, from the city we live in, from the people we see every day, from the thoughts in our very own mind. 

In the forest, waterfalls, and fields in a familiar country, a country that I love and keep going back to, every thought turns a different direction, as if I am a new person. That’s what travelling does to our mind, to me. In the trip, there were times when I wanted to walk on a path that will never end. Like someone who just disappears in her journey and who tells others that she will be back when but doesn’t come back when. That is the story I want of my life.

Travelling. Why can’t I do it? Why is that I start to fear about things. All the things I’ve been teaching myself to believe in, and also teaching others to believe in, doesn’t relate somehow. Suddenly, I re-examine the meaning of freedom, and I realize how ‘not free’ I actually am.

I’m not free from this materialistic world - from the comfortable home I live in, the bed I sleep in. I am not free people and relationships I’m surrounded with. I am not free from the questions and expectations I have in my own head. I am not free from wanting - different things, trivial things. 

The fact is, there is no time like now that I should feel free. 

Of all the phases in my life, when I was attached to someone, when I was working at my dreamed jobs, when I was concerned of how others might look at me, and how I might look at me. 

The first time in my life I actually don’t think of too much of expectations from others, when I know nothing, I mean nothing, really matters. 

So why am I still not free?

This year, I also have one job offer - actually two. Things are going well, for a change, finally. I am confident at what I do. I am contributing in areas I want to. I got invited to do interesting jobs. I have nothing to complain. But I want to give it all up again, to walk away from everything, to be free.

In a parallel universe, I must be living a different life. 

In that universe, I will wake up early and find myself in a foreign land, full of foreign faces.

There, I will be travelling and disappearing from one place to another. 

There is no need to constantly find a job, hurry to save money, thinking about meeting someone special or doing anything meaningful. The only thing that's left to do is nothing. And just be.

"What if my whole life has been wrong? -- Wayne Dyer.