Wish list 2013

I interviewed a young girl from China who spent a year "couch surfing" eleven countries as far as Iran. It's a lovely story of a lovely person.

While I am not keen to do couch surfing, I do like the idea of her wish list when she sent out requests to the host families in different countries, which included stargazing.

So for next year, I wish:

I could travel to Japan again and stay for more than a month;

I could write some interesting human stories for the main section of the paper;

I could meet someone special who is creative and kind at heart; and we could travel together;

I could find a way to support myself without having to be in the office every day;

I could be happier than last year;

I could feel at peace with those who used to be close but have become distant every day;

I could remain grateful to my life;

I could begin my book, and start writing the first few chapters;

I could be free from worries of this world.

Bad experiences

So finally, I published the happiness story last week. I felt quite happy of the assignment which led me to meet some interesting people, each with a different mindset on what life means to them.

Then I interviewed some international authors who're in town for a Literary Festival. It's an assignment I need to do every year. Sometimes I talked to someone who's inspiring, generous and very encouraging. One UK author told me to start my own book and an American author said I should host a TV talk show interviewing people. I thanked both of them for their kind comments.

But, at times, I'd meet someone who's grumpy, and doesn't want to talk, like him.

The first 10 minutes of conversation was awkward, then it just got worse. The reluctance, the rudeness in his tone and feedback. I thought to myself: "Someone just woke up on the wrong side of the bed..."

I wish I could walk away, and just be 'me'. But, I kept asking my questions, writing down anything he cared to say, ignoring his unfriendly remarks. When it's finally done, I went into the washroom, stood in front of the mirror and breathed. I didn't want to play a psychology professor but I kept thinking: What ever happened to him that made him like this? Maybe a lonely childhood, like many characters in his books. Maybe he had a bad dream last night. Or maybe it's just him.

Perhaps our experience can change us. Our personality, our way of talking and interacting with people are shaped by our experiences, good or bad.

Another day, I talked to a local artist who has an unusual - sad in most people's eyes - background. She was born in jail because of her mom. At six, she was being handed to relatives after relatives. She has lived in some girls' centre for some time, which she vaguely mentioned but didn't go further into details. When she grew up, she lived with her girlfriends and boyfriends at different times. In the past 30 plus years, she has lived in 22 places, at least.

Her life was like 'drifting' around - a word she used in Chinese - based on the circumstances in her life.
Yet, she didn't give a hint of unhappiness or resentment in her tone.

I asked if she's ever felt unhappy in life, especially when she was small and didn't have a say over things. She said she didn't see life in terms of good or bad but just how things were. Rather than fighting against the 'reality', she's learnt to "make things work" in whatever conditions she was in. She said her background has made her the person she is now: free-spirited, and an appetite to discover new things and meet new friends. And I liked it when she said: I like who I am.

As an artist, she wanted to document her past history. So with her artist friend, she went back to all the places she's lived and took photographs of herself standing in front of locations. The exhibition is like a gift to herself, she says. And I thought: What an exhibition.

Maybe our experience cannot change us. After all, we are who we are and who we choose to become, regardless of our experiences.

And I thought about my own bad experiences in the past, some near danger, despair and some near death. And I wonder - how they've made me into the person I am today.

Where will you be?

Speaking to students is always a pure happy experience.

Yesterday I had a chance to speak a group of lively students.

I talked about my career in the past decade or more. The changing paths, the ups and downs, the stories I did, the people I met, the lessons I learnt. I was inspired by their thoughtful and candid questions. As teenagers, they're open and real, which is nice. I hope they will stay this way when they grow up.

The last question I gave them was this: Imagine in five year's time, where do you see you will be? What are you wearing? What are you doing?

Visual images are powerful and intuitive. They've helped me reflect my inner thoughts, keep me going back to my path, no matter how many detours I've taken, and (hopefully) take me to my final destiny.

My first vivid image came when I was a child: I saw my father reading the newspaper in his study room and writing on his diary. The image has never left my mind. And I believe it could've been the very first time when I was inspired to become what I am now.

Some years later when I was working in an office, I would see myself going out instead of sitting there - I'd be travelling alone and standing in a crowd of people. In my causal clothes, I'd always carry a camera, and have my notebook and a pen in my pocket.

Now I'm in my job where I need to go from places to places. I won't leave the house without my camera, notebook and a pen. Every day, I feel tired running around and writing to deadlines, but I never get bored or feel I'm doing something meaningless.

And I'd still imagine myself doing something that's a little bit different sometimes.

I see myself living in another country, talking to the locals, buying food (bread and cheese) in their market, eating it while watching the sunset in an empty room.

And I see myself sitting in front of a small table, made of solid wood, typing something on the typewriter.

In five year's time, if I'm still alive, where will I be?

And where will you be?

Postcard from Burma

It has arrived!

So what now?

Happiness

This month I took on an interesting assignment. I have to write an article on the science of happiness. So I went to talk to different people about what they know.

1. I had a conversation with a young lama from Malaysia who told me happiness is a state of mind, when it's quiet.

The founder of their centre is named the 'happiest man on earth' by some American scientists who did an experiment on him.

Meditation is the key, the lama told me.

It is when you don't think about the future, or the past, but the presence, only.

It allows you to relax your mind, and makes you become more aware of space, time, your senses,
eventually yourself, and others.

Learning to meditate, and you will learn to live in the now, which leads to happiness.

Your mind at that state will give you clarity and power to solve any problems.

Talking to him made me happy too. His positive, unassuming attitude, his gentle smile is contagious.

He is someone who isn't just talking about happiness. He is happy.


2. Then I talked to a research director from the UK who presented many surveys done in the West.

It's all about comparison, he said.

According to statistics, people are happier when they're with others who're less well-off, less wealthy, less of everything than they are.

What miserable idea, I thought to myself.

But apparently, it's as true as the figures show. It's human nature to be jealous and not capable to feel happy for others when they're doing well.

A miserable fact.

He said the trick for lottery winners to stay happy  is to never move house. When people win a lottery, they tend to move to a nicer bigger house, then find themselves being surrounded by richer people in the neighborhood, and then becoming even more miserable than before.

We all know money can make us happy, but only for some time. Richer people have more means and less to worry about, therefore are happier in general.

But, they won't feel excited after getting the second, third or fourth house or sports car. (But they will still get them, because they want more.) And they will spend a lot time worrying about how to make more money, then thinking about how to get more stuff with the money they have.

Sounds like a tragic story.

Younger adults under 20 and older people above 65 are happier than the rest of the age groups. Why?
When you're young, you 'think' your life is limitless and you 'feel' hopeful and happy. When you're old, you know nothing is as important, and you can finally relax and chill, and be happy.

Middle-aged are the unhappiest group, unfortunately, because of 'mid-life crisis' which is real. So try your best to get through middle-aged and you'll be fine, he said.

Knowledge does make us happy; so go get that degree and keep on learning.

3. Now I have to finish a book called Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert.
He talks about how human beings are caught up in the idea of 'future' and keep 'imagining' something that will make us happy, in future.

And the truth?

When that 'something' actually happens, it is never what we think it can do - make us happy.

More to read on.

Just Be

I've been listening to many new songs this year, recommended by a friend I used to feel close to.

One of them is: Just Be by Paloma Faith. 

What a lovely song. What a perfect time the song came to me.

I experienced more than one 'falling out' in my relationship with others this year, just before my birthday.

I thought: What 'excellent' timing -- I'll never forget it every year that in Aug 2012, I fell out with him and with her. Just like before Christmas every year, I'll be reminded of my dear father in his sick bed, followed by his funeral, the chilly weather and white snowy ground, and frozen tears. 

My heart am saddened by what happened; I am also surprised by how different we see our 'reality'. 

But it makes sense.

In life, we all live in our own world. We enter each other's lives randomly or by choice. We walk out of each other's lives mostly by choice.

But, for the record, I never want to walk out your life -- I see myself not fitting in your world, a world when I feel unloved, unwanted, like a stranger, around you.

So it's time I leave your space and let things, just be. 

Someone once said to me: 'What is 'is', it can't be changed.' I didn't know how that could've meant then.

Life has its ups and downs and I am not young anymore. I know that these 'things' happen, and sometimes for the better than the worst. It's just that,

I'd rather these things, memories, to be kept a little farther away from my birthday.

So I won't be reminded every year. 

The randomness of Timing

On a random evening at 930 in July, you texted me.

After two years of our parting our ways.

You said you were crossing the border, in ten minutes, and you wanted to come over.  Just like that.

I thought: It'd be nice if you said: I'm in town. Can I meet you for dinner?

As I was pondering on your strange text, a whole string of other thoughts rushed in --

Unhappy moments. Loneliness. Sadness. Tears. And more.

You never understood me. And I don't understand you.

I didn't text you until the next day. I wrote: I don't want to see you anymore.


*************************************************************

On a random morning at 430 in August, I emailed you.

I told you I was thinking about you.

You replied saying you're not ready. And you told me again about all your unhappy past relationships, one by one.

Since I wrote you, you decided to walk away. You stopped doing all the things you used to do.

Warm toasts in the morning, and shared lunches.

An unexpected text to say a Japanese movie was on TV.

Instant answers to my messages.

Funny conversations on MSN during the day.

Frequent visits to my desk with your lovely smile.

Always sitting next to me on the bus home.

Listening to your or my favourite music together.

You said: Everything is about timing in life.

I agree. But, timing is in our hands. Everything, in the end, is a decision we make.

In your leaving me today, you could've missed me tomorrow and forever.

When you look back in a year's time, and think about me, you'd say to yourself: Timing, is everything.

Love is now or never.

Hi Fuji san, how are you?

This year I decided to climb Mount Fuji in August for my birthday, just because.

It was hot with a temperature over 30 C and a big clear sky. At the top, the temperature dropped drastically. I felt the crisp silent air as I sat and watched the sky changing colors until the sun appeared. it was  so bright at first sight.

There must have been hundreds of people, mostly Japanese, climbing together at different points during the journey of about 6 hours.

The most amazing sight was not the scenery but seeing young parents bringing their children with them on the hike. 

Japanese always impresses me with their love of nature. Seeing all the children walking up the highest mountain in Japan with their parents, I know how the sacred mindset is passed on.

What you do with your kids will stay in their lives forever. The same goes with what you say to them.

I am not a parent and I don't think I'll ever be in this life. But as I was watching all these children climbing part of the mountain with great perseverance, I can't help but imagine: 

If I have a child in my next life, I will most definitely take him or her to the top of Fuji san, just to say hi. 

Watching sunrise at Fuji san was simply, beautiful. 

The Mysterious Journey of Postcards

So, I figure my Shanghai postcard and your Burma postcard have disappeared into the distant far, in the Universe.

Maybe, maybe they're tired of the past and they've decided to go away on a journey..

When either or both of them decide to come home, something nice must then happen in our lives, i reckon.

Limited chance, i hear you say - think to yourself, and it's quite true,

Tis life... so they always say..

You never know, i'll say.

Maybe one day when we meet again,

In Shanghai or Burma.

We will talk about our postcards,

and perhaps

many other stuff too.

Don't you think?

Why (2)

Why do I dream about you at night?
Why do I see you face when I wake up in the morning?
Why do I think of you when I listen to my Japanese music?
Why do I care when you don't seem to care?
Why do I want to cook a nice fish for you?
Why do I want to tell you how I feel?
Why do I want to share half of your pasta when you offer it?
Why do I want to see Late Autumn with you?
Sometimes I don't want to ask why.. I know there is no answer to many things in life.
But why?

Why (1)

Why do you want to sit with me every time you see me on the coach?
Why do you share your toast and food with me?
Why do you burn me CDs of your favourite music?
Why do you call me but talk about work?
Why do you listen to music with me?
Why do you want to come and see my flat?
Why do you lend me your iPod home?
Why do you rather go swimming than having congee with me?
Sometimes I don't want to ask why.. I know there is no answer to many things in life.
But why?

Moving (2)

I've moved, after two plus years of staying in the same place and neighourhood.

And I thought I would be happy in the new flat.

But happiness is not as simple as people say it is.

I am happy in my new home.

But I can't sleep well.

I enjoy the little walk through the village every day.

But I can't be relaxed when I come home.

I like my kitchen space.

But I have no urge to cook or eat.

I like my new closets.

But I don't bother to put my clothes in them.

I feel free in my own space again.

But I miss having another person in the same space.

I've grown tired of the old place.
I'm growing tired of the endless texts from my landlady.

I've moved and I thought I'd be happy.

But when will I move to another city?

A song you gave me in 2012

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That's all,
That's all...

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter's night
That's all,
That's all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love even time can't destroy.

If you're wondering what I'm asking in return, dear,
You'll be glad to know that my demands are small.
Say it's me that you'll adore,
For now and evermore
That's all,
That's all.