I Love You, Dad

Five years ago today I was in Canada because you were dying.

Today I spent time digging out the photos of that year, photos of you and me and all of us.

You had such a big smile that said friendliness, generosity, kindness, love.

I feel that I didn't know you enough when you're near. I let myself go away when I could understand you more. When I came back, you were far away in your own mind, and I couldn't understand you anymore.

I don't know what to make of it when I was told you're in heaven. It doesn't feel much better.

I only know death parts us all. For I can't see you anymore. Still, your talks, your big warm hands, your moves, your thick eyebrows, your frowns, your home-made dumplings, your squeezing orange juice in the kitchen, your striped T-shirts, your grey suit, your white ladder shoes, your handwriting, your way of calling my name in half Mandarin and half Cantonese, your smile, your love, stays with me always.

I love you.

p.s. I've written and published a features story about my father called "Dreams of Memories Lost". You can read it via this link under the Literary Journalism course materials at the Journalism and Media Studies Centre at HKU (under Week Four).
http://jmsc.hku.hk/blogs/litjourn/course-readings/